> Recent Entries
> Archive
> Friends
> User Info
> previous 10 entries

August 26th, 2009

(Leave a comment)

January 19th, 2009

12:06 am - The School for Heroes So I've been told that it's been reopened, which filled me with much joy, and then I re-register Arkayanon, leaning heavily on reinstating him as a Warrior.  Success.  Then I make another profile to be a bard.  This was all yesterday.  Tonight, for shits and giggles I decided to retake the test as thought it were me, Brian, and re-enter Arkayanon's name.  Lo and behold I found that I could tweak my numbers and still be in the Warrior class.  So now my results stand at: Class Score Warrior 19 Paladin 7 Wizard 12 Bard 20 Rogue 1 Heh.  That's all I've gotta say.  Heh. Oh, and I'm still techinically in the Warrior class.  :D  Ok, so I did kinda go easy on some of the obviously wizard answers.  It wouldn't do for the uncomfortable-with-magic Kay to suddenly return as a Wizard.  Or would it have......  Pssh!  Nah! Current Location: Rock Hill, SC Current Mood: giddy

(6 comments | Leave a comment)

September 8th, 2008

12:25 am - Surprised Myself Today So, for the past week I've been trying to find the opportunity and the courage to actually do this and I almost got pissed at myself because I thought I had missed the opportunity for another day, a day in which I was determined to get this done.  So what did I do?  It's actually pretty simple. I asked a woman out for coffee. She's someone I work with, in different departments that sometimes have some overlap.  I enjoy talking to her, I do think that she's pretty/attractive/any and all words like these, and I like her company for the short times they are, but I never feel like I'd ever get the opportunity to get to know her while at work.  So while I'm on my dinner break and she's on her way out, I catch her at her car and ask if she'd be interested to meet me for a drink outside of work.  She said yes but needs to get back to me about her schedule for the weekend as she may need to babysit for her aunt at some point, and she'll tell me what that is by way of a text message, which meant that we needed to trade phone numbers. Honestly, this was easier to do than I expected.  As soon as I was walking I didn't feel anywhere near as nervous as I was before I stood up to start walking.  Yes, I could feel and hear my heart pounding.  The asking was so much easier than the thinking about asking. Now I've got to figure out what to do next. Current Location: Rock Hill, SC Current Mood: jubilant

(Leave a comment)

August 30th, 2008

10:10 pm - Change of Plans (for this post) So I had planned on talking out my opinion on how the world should be (gee, that didn't so dictatorial in my head) and the difficulty getting to that point because it depends so much on people taking responsibility for so much more than they think about.  Anyway, I've decided to change that and kinda go into how I've been seeing myself change. I have always been the thinking type:  going over every detail before making a decision, over-analyzing everything, especially myself, tucking away an amazing amount of random information in my head, and pretty much living life through the guiding force of logic.  But here recently I've finally becoming not just a more emotional person, but also an emotional person who isn't oversteering as much. Like on Wednesday night, I think it was, coming back from dinner at Ruby Tuesday, I was quiet and Anna asked what I was thinking.  I said "nothing" which was true, I wasn't thinking about anything, I was just feeling and letting myself feel, but I wasn't trying to feel or make the feeling stronger.  Honestly, I was sad, not the depressed kinda sad that I've felt a lot since my journey back into emotions began some few years ago, but just sad.  Yeah, some quiet, little corner of my mind was working on understanding it, but the rest of it was turned off to just let the emotion happen and do its thing. Then there was another night this week, Monday I think, in which I was openly giggly and silly, which I have been in the past, but never in front of anyone.  I'd like to say that I was entertaining and upbeat, and probably just a hint of disconcerting to the people who've never seen that before, which would be both Anna and Chris, though Anna's seen a little bit of it here and there. And today, after getting home from work and taking care of the chores that needed doing (trash, dishes, dinner) I felt lonely, but not the verge-of-depression lonely I'm more familiar with.  I just wanted someone around, someone to talk to, someone to touch and be touched by, hell, someone to simply give me a hug.  Honestly, I've been terrified of touching people most of my life because of the way I felt each other, so physical contact of even the simplest kind has a profound impact on me.  I don't know how far I've progressed with that particular feel, but I'm making steps toward not automatically assuming that me touching someone would disgust them. I'm sure that the simple fact that I'm writing these down may seem like I'm making a big deal about them, but my intent is the opposite.  When I would oversteer my emotions I wouldn't dare write about because I know that it would definitely be about me organizing some kind of pity-party for myself.  What I'm trying to say is that I feel like I'm becoming more comfortable with my emotions and I'm actually letting go of control, either to intensify or restrain, and just letting them happen and enjoying them for simply being what they are.  'Course some would probably say that I'm still over-analyzing things.  Well, screw you, I'm smiling, I'm happy, and I'm enjoying that. :D Current Location: Rock Hill, SC Current Mood: happy Current Music: Toothpick ~ Dirty Politicians

(Leave a comment)

June 23rd, 2008

11:27 am - Moved Ok, so I've been moved to Rock Hill, SC for almost a month now and had internet access and cable TV for just under a week so I figure it's the right thing to do to update this thing.  I haven't since I've been able to get on the internet because I've just been too tired to write something. The reason for being tired is, I think, my job.  I transferred from the Lowe's I had been working in in Sylva, NC to the one here in Rock Hill.  What I didn't expect was that I would be transferring into the situation that I've found myself.  About a week before I was hired three of the four people in the plumbing department either retired or quit.  Now the department manager is having some non-work troubles so he's not been much help while there.  I've come back the next day after he closed and the place is in just about the same condition as when I left the day before.  The department is behind on something that should have been done by the fifteenth as well as having an overly long list of things to address by tomorrow.  So I've been busting my ass just to catch up.  And I'm busting my ass to catch up at home too, it feels.  Anna is on tour with Carolina Crown until the second week of August or so so I'm here by myself.  I admit, sometimes I have wanted to kill her dogs, especially when I'm greeted at the door two days in a row by Emmot peeing right at the front door.  I take them out a couple times a day but Toby refuses to take a crap anywhere but inside when no one is around.  I don't know how to house-train dogs and I barely have the energy to do so with one, let alone two. I'm also stressed with catching up money-wise.  I got a promotion at work but I won't see that pay increase begin until 28th and that means that I won't see that money in my paycheck until the 18th of July.  My parents owe me money, my brother owes me money, Anna owes me money, and I don't know when I'll see my security deposit from the apartment will arrive. I don't really have many friends around here, I don't know where to go out just to be social or to just get out of the house, nor can I really afford the gas to go to too many places.  Plus, when I get done with work these days I just don't have the energy or inclination to do anything more and I really take those days off right now to rest.  Sometimes, as I said earlier, I don't even have the energy to sit at the computer.  Like Saturday, I get off work late at 5:30something, get some needed shopping done, get home around seven and then fall asleep around nine.  So my social interaction has pretty much been limited to the internet if anyone's there to talk (not often) or return emails (again, not often) or talking to friends and family who are available on the phone. So for now I'm lonely and broke.  Hopefully in a month I just be lonely.  Man, that's a weird statement to make, but it would be an improvement. Current Location: Rock Hill, SC Current Mood: tired

(Leave a comment)

May 22nd, 2008

08:59 pm - Sudden Feeling I don't know.  Sometimes I feel like I've been looking in the wrong direction or at the wrong things.  I don't really feel like I've missed anything, just that I'm looking at things that aren't moving me or anything else forward.  I get a mixed feeling of having spent my time unwisely but at the same time that I've not wasted it. I think this might be part of the long process of me coming to terms with the fact that I can't know or predict everything when I put myself out there.  It kinda scares me.  No, it scares me a lot. We get all this training growing up that things will work out in the end.  We'll get that dream career.  We'll succeed at what we set out to do.  We'll overcome our obstacles.  We'll be the hero.  We'll fall madly in love and be happy forever. This modern fiction, fantasy or mythos is deeply ingrained in all of us.  Does it ever really come to pass? What do we do when we can't get that which we want most?  What should we do?  Should we hold on forever hoping in vain that the Hollywood-ending will actually happen in the real world?  Should we simply settle for what we can get and accept the second-best or just whatever happens to fall in our laps?  Should we feel ourselves crushed under the immeasurable weight of that we want dearly but cannot have and become despondent and disconnected from the world which couldn't provide us with the fulfillment of our dreams? I know that there are some dreams that can be won.  I haven't given up on them.  The hard part is dealing with the fear of impossibility thereof when it creeps up.  And that fear that you've been chasing the wrong dreams. But what about what some people say?  That when we stop looking is when we find what it is we seek?  That all dreams are worth pursuing?  That you'll know when it happens?  Why do these things seem contradictory? I never knew, growing up, that the biggest challenge in life is deciding what it is that you're going after.  I have no idea if the things that I want are the things that I should want.  I have no idea if by pursuing these things that I'm not pursuing what I should be.  I have this constant fear of following after the wrong dreams and I get two different message from people:  that I'll see what I need to see and realize it or that I'm blinding myself to the other opportunities. As it stands my plans include moving to Los Angeles when I have enough money and becoming an audio engineer.  What if I'm supposed to be something else?  Hell, am I supposed to be anything specific at all?  Should I be a politician and work to grow the ever-dwindling freedoms of the individual?  Should I go off and live humbly as a craftsman or inventor?  Should I hide myself away and do nothing but research and learn?  Should I quietly become lost in the sea of people and live an unremarkable life?  Should I do the opposite and strive to be a brightly burning star of some sort?  Should I wander the world exploring new places simply because I've never seen them before?  If I do that, should I do it alone or share the experience?  Would anyone even want to go with me?  Should I eschew any professional aspirations and focus on creating a family with someone and being the best dad and husband that I can be to some currently nonexistent (or at least unmet) people? Of all the things I have ever wanted in my life, the last one is the one thing I have always wanted consistently.  In a way my dad was an inspiration to be a better dad than he was.  There are at least two challenges to that right now.  Me being able to believe that someone could love me (apparently not the best track record, but that might be in my own mind as well) and simply finding that person. There are so many ways to deal with the reality that the future is uncertain.  Why is mine to be deathly afraid it?  To be afraid of taking the wrong path, or taking the right one and missing out on all the others.  The bad part of being a "jack of all trades" is that there are innumerable possibilities and you can't follow them all.  Ever since I was little and this thought occurred to me on several occasions, I always felt like there wasn't enough time.  I don't feel like I'll die young(ish), but even a long life seems too short for all the things I want to do with mine. I want to spend my time wisely but I don't want to miss anything.  I've got to get over this indecision that plagues me. Current Location: Cullowhee, NC Current Mood: pensive Current Music: Pearl Jam ~ "Love, Reign O'er Me"

(Leave a comment)

May 11th, 2008

10:51 pm - Finally Done So yesterday was one of the final things I participate in that has to do with WCU and the university world.  Pending a minor payment to the university, the return of my rental books, and probably something else I'm not yet aware of I am a graduate of Western Carolina University.  B.A. Music with a minor in Multimedia.  What kind of job that qualifies me for my brother and mom ask this morning.  Honestly, not much.  Pretty much all I care is that I graduated.  The education that'll really help with a career I'll find in LA as I plan on attending the Los Angeles Recording School sometime next year as I aim to work in the sound aspect of film or television. Summary of the previous paragraph:  I GRADUATED FROM COLLEGE! And so I move to Rock Hill at the end of the month to live with Anna in the interim.  Should be fun since it's a new place and closer to Charlotte than I am to Asheville now, and the price of gas is a little less than it is here in NC, especially the mountains.  I'm honestly looking forward to it.  I mean who wouldn't want to live with their best friend?  I say that now, but we'll probably be at each other's throats before too long.  I think we've agreed to keep a tally of how often we intentionally annoy each other.  Loser (the one who is less annoying) buys the winner dinner or something at the end of each month.  Also, it seems that I'm backtracking on the weight thing so I guess it's time to reassess the diet the go more hardcore at the gym.  Maybe it's time to really kick it into gear and attempt to kill myself more often while there.  Finding a gym is on the list of things to do immediately after moving. Speaking of that list it includes setting up the necessities like internet and cable, finding a gym, finding a dojo until Sensei Jesse sets up shop in Charlotte and finding a therapist.  With all that I may not have time to get out.  I'll have to figure something or I'll have a pretty shitty social life.  Gotta make time if I'm gonna meet anyone let alone manage a date. A couple of weeks ago I figured out one of the reasons it took me so long to finish up with school.  At least I think it's a reason.  I'm scared.  While I was in school I knew what was coming and could pretty much figure out how I was going to live while there.  Now that the future's pretty open I realize just how much that scares me.  I am so used to being around the university and having all these people I know and love right there.  I'm going to miss those people a lot.  I realized just how much I'm going to miss playing in the ensembles.  Not so much the performance as the rehearsals and being around those people.  At least I'll have my best friend around.  And how can you compare your best friend to a bunch of good friends.  Things should be better than I'm afraid they'll be.  This is probably the best post-graduation situation when compared to my other options of going back home to live in either Wake Forest or Louisburg with either my dad or mom or to stay here until I manage to get out.  As much as I'm afraid, I look forward to the next year. Current Location: Cullowhee Current Mood: accomplished Current Music: "This Is Now" ~ Hatebreed

(1 comment | Leave a comment)

March 21st, 2008

12:11 pm - T3 is Still Out There? So I was in Wal-mart yesterday and, as usual, I went through the electronics department and saw that they had I Am Legend for sale in one of those giant cardboard display things.  Now that isn't unusual as the movie just came out on DVD, but what I found strange was the fact that more than half of them were packed with copies of Terminator 3 DVDs.  Now, when T3 came out on DVD I was working at a Kmart in Raleigh and even then I thought, after several weeks, "We sure do have a helluva lot of these things, and no one seems to be buying."  Now, when I say "a helluva lot" I mean more than I cared to count, and they were everywhere.  Then later I saw copies of them in the cheap bins in several stores.  Did the studio just make a ton of copies thinking that they'd sell simply on the Terminator name?  Are they now trying their damnedest to get rid of them?  I thought I Am Legend was decent, but if I were to buy it, I think I'd rather just get it on its own, even if T3 is included for free.  Current Location: Cullowhee, NC Current Mood: curious

(Leave a comment)

March 19th, 2008

03:19 pm So I like the rain.  I mean I really like the rain.  One of the things I miss most about home and being younger were the days it rained all day, the days full of thunder and lightning and grey skies.  (By the way, why is it that every time I type "grey" the processor tries to tell me that it's misspelled?)  The world seems to have a more pronounced smell, and in the woods, after the rain, the trees appear to have a stronger contrast between their darkened trunks and the leaves that look greener to my eyes.  Everything seems more alive.  Sadly, when I was last at home, I asked my grandma about those day-long rains, and she tells me that they don't seem to happen as often as they once did.  So maybe rains aren't going to be in my future next year as I plan on going out to LA early next year to attend a recording school so that I can have the training for what I want to do in life. So, eventually I need to get my ass in gear and pack up as I plan on moving out of here soon after graduation.  The specific residence isn't in stone, but Rock Hill seems to be the destination town.  Should make for a fun six months or so. I feel like I've actually gotten into better shape over the course of the last year, which is ample reason to be sure to find a gym.  Still need to work on that diet, which is rather difficult when you think about college life when you have a job:  next to no time to really cook, after a point you don't have a lot of money to throw around on good food, and just about everything nearby is fast-food or, for us specifically, heavily bread-laden.  None of this really helps when I want to focus on well-cooked (not necessarily well-done) meats (reduction of fried foods, good quality meat), fruits and vegetables.  Fruits and vegetables would be easy, I gotta say, it's the meat that gets difficult, and so that makes something balanced problematic.  I don't want to go the way of the vegetarian route, I like my tasty animals.  And for those vegetarians who are thus on moral/ethical/philosophical reasons, don't you realize that something had to die so that you could eat it?  Even if it is just a reproductive bit, like in fruit, something that could have been is no more because you need to eat it.  Gah.  Anyway, I still stay omnivorous because of the evidence pointing toward our evolution to being such creatures. Anyway, so I recently got a new origami book by Robert J. Lang, and it contains what are the most difficult designs I have ever attempted, which I had hoped would be the case.  "Origami Insects and Their Kin," how could that possibly be easy?  I figured any insect made from one sheet of uncut paper would be difficult, but he even came up with a pillbug.  If you've never heard of him, check out his stuff here.  This guy is awesome. So, I just found out that Arthur C. Clarke died today.  I admit that I've not really read much of his stuff, but what I have (I can't remember anything since childhood to be honest, being a voracious reader, especially then, I can't remember everything) but I was introduced to Stephen Baxter by way of "The Light of Other Days."  There have been plenty of famous people who've died and only a few of them make me sad, and Arthur C. Clarke is now part of that rather short list (so short that I'm challenged to come up with more than less than a handful off the top of my head, including Mr. Hooper). Current Location: Cullowhee, NC Current Mood: lazy Current Music: "Ooh La La" ~ Goldfrapp

(5 comments | Leave a comment)

March 16th, 2008

09:32 pm - Three Word Quiz ( Mendeia posted this quiz, looked interested ) Current Location: Cullowhee, NC Current Mood: content Current Music: "Break 2" ~ Scratch Track

(Leave a comment)